"it's okay to feel everything you feel, it's going to pass, grief and anxiety come in waves, treasure each moment with him, he's not even thinking about his illness and he's comfortable right now." I still feel sad and anxious, and I know it will not always be this way, but it is this way at this moment.
“It’s true, everything that makes you happy is going to end at some point, and nothing good ends well. It’s like, if you buy a puppy, you’re bringing it home to your family saying, hey, look, everyone, we’re all gonna cry soon. Look at what I brought home. I brought home us crying in a few years. Here we go. Countdown to sorrow with a puppy.” Louie C.K.
People who are very very worried about their pets sometimes worry that they're "crazy" for feeling so up and down. We might be grief crazed, hopeful crazed, despairing crazed and relief crazed, but we're perfectly normal. This is hard, loving someone so much. I always figure the worry and despair are completely parallel to the depth of our love, our history and the beginning to the end. There are so many tails we can tell. Yes, I did say tails.
“Holding this soft, small living creature in my lap this way, though, and seeing how it slept with complete trust in me, I felt a warm rush in my chest. I put my hand on the cat's chest and felt his heart beating. The pulse was faint and fast, but his heart, like mine, was ticking off the time allotted to his small body with all the restless earnestness of my own.” ― Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle